


I want to hold you like you're mine

by galexiesx



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Sex, Angst, Drug Use, Jongin/other characters, M/M, Sex, True Love, mentions of anorexia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 07:10:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15238110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galexiesx/pseuds/galexiesx
Summary: In which Sehun plays football and Jongin plays with other people's hearts.





	I want to hold you like you're mine

**Author's Note:**

> So I was depressed and listening to Glass Animals too much and this kind of happened. Sorry:/
> 
> Special THANKS to my special FRIEND @fairyeol who was there for me while writing this, who kindly proofread the whole thing and also cried when she read it so thank you<3
> 
> Title is taken from Glass Animals' Agnes.

_08/20/2004_

_Dear Seulgi,_

_your mom says you're not coming back to school this year. She says you're enjoying West Coast so bad you decided to transfer. That sounds nothing like you but whatever, I guess, hope you're having the time of your life._

_You're not really answering your phone, either, which is mildly upsetting but I'm doing my best handling it. Then I remembered this address so here goes nothing, right?_

_He got back home earlier this week. They say he got out, set on probation. Staying at home is pain in the ass but he'll be back in no time, I'm sure._

_Soooo I hope you'll reply soon because life sucks and I miss you and I feel like I'm one mental breakdown away from killing myself but at least you're getting tan all the way in Cali. Or whatever, have fun loser <3_

_Love, Jongin._

* * *

School without Seulgi sucks even more than summer break without Seulgi, Jongin finds out, way too early in September. It's just the senior year, he tells himself. She'll be back next summer. Everything's fine. Except it's absolutely not and Jongin is alone.

There is no one playing with his hair, no one laughing at his stupid jokes and definitely no one he could call his best friend.

And Jongin never cared about reputation or fame or relationships in high school, not really but suddenly it all feels like it matters when he is at the bottom of the popularity food chain.

Well, to be fair, that's nothing new. He was there before but he wasn't alone and now that he is it feels much lonelier.

* * *

  
It takes Jongin about two weeks. Two weeks are all Jongin needs to get conditionally expelled, for being violent, the Principal states. Yeah, Jongin is such a violent individual. Exactly what was the said boy thinking when some stupid football player smashed his head against the locker, knocking him unconscious for about a lifetime and calling it an assault, oh yeah football players sure get assaulted by Jongin's barely-hundred-pounds ass.

But nobody cares what Jongin has to say, all people care about is that he lives with a criminal and so they treat their family as such.

* * *

_09/14/2004_

_Dear Seulgi,_

_School is pain in the ass. Life is pain in the ass. Guess that figures._

_You're still not answering any form of contact and your mom got really annoyed when I was asking her about you last week. If you're wondering how to make me forgive you, I accept postcards with the beach and the waves and preferably you on it so pls._

_Love ya, Jongin._

* * *

Not all football players have the intention to kill Jongin, apparently. Or maybe they do, in the long run. Not like he can tell, anyway.

Oh Sehun is gorgeous and tall and without any doubt, the best player of the team. Jongin _knows_ him, or as much as he can, being around for seventeen years of their lives, considering they both grew up in this fucked up pretentious little town where everyone knows everything.

Sehun talks to him about as unexpectedly as it gets, one day after their Algebra class, which is one of the three classes they share.

"I can tutor you," he says. Like it's nothing.

"Come again," Jongin mumbles, utterly in shock. He pulls his hoodie a little closer to his frame.

"You managed to fuck up majority of the tests so far which seems a bit strange considering you're not dumb at all."

Jongin just stares at him, mouth gaping. Maybe someone should tell him that not all problems can be solved with the power of Almighty Oh Sehun.

"What do you care?" he shrugs instead, his posture deffensive.

"Well, the whole town thinks that you're a lowlife waiting to drop out of high school to follow the steps of your father but I've seen you do the magic. You know how to fucking count and your attendance is pretty good. You might have enough credits to get to college in spring so maybe pull your head out of your ass, Jongin."

Jongin is both offended and also a bit touched that this dipstick cared enough to check his record and think about his future. But mostly he is annoyed.

"What the fuck? Did you read my file?"

"Do you want my help or not?"

Jongin hesitates. It's not like he never thought about college. It's just that he doesn't have money nor anyone to exactly support him persuing any of his dreams.

But Sehun is pretty and Jongin really used to enjoy algebra back in the day.

"Fine."

"Fine what?"

"Fine, I want your fucking help."

"Good, I'll be at your place at six tonight."

* * *

  
Jongin never let anyone from school, except Seulgi, come into his house. Not like people were eager to. The house looks like it's seen better times, the facade is barely sticking together and people assume it's been abandoned years ago, unless they're local. Then they know who lives there very well.

But it's the closest thing Jongin's got to _home_. And he suddenly misses Seulgi even more when he's at home because there used to be a time when they would stay there for weeks, eating popsicles and sleeping and watching movies, hidden in Jongin's room, which is in the basement but it's great like that. His father doesn't bother going down there, so that's a plus. Not like the said man stays around a lot.

Sehun, however, pulls up outside the house, in his black gorgeous Corvette, looking like the world's greatest creation and also like he doesn't belong there at all.

Agreeing to his offer might have been both, the best and also the worst decision of his entire life, that's for sure.

Oh Sehun is fucking demanding and he knows how to get something if he wants it. No wonder he's so good at football, or at anything, really.

He slaps Jongin's hand away twice when he tries to sneak a bag of potato chips from under the table. But Jongin doesn't mind that much.

Maybe it's worth it. The frown leaving Sehun's face when Jongin gets something right, or the way he smiles when he starts getting a problem he didn't before.

It's a mess that Jongin likes a boy this easily. A football player, at that. But Sehun's hands are warm and his eyes are gorgeous and his smile is sincere and somehow that's enough.

Sehun arranges another session, way too far into the next week because training's keeping him busy.

* * *

 

There are people gossiping about Jongin and the Kim family all over his hometown. And everybody suddenly cares so much that Jongin is so close with the most prestigious families of the town. First the Kangs and Seulgi with her chestnut hair and pretty smile and then Ohs and their firstborn son.

* * *

_10/22/2004_

_Dear Seulgi,_

_You probably changed your number, which is fine. And understandable, really, if you're staying in a different country but I was hoping you'd at least tell me._

_School is still shit but I kinda started hanging out with Oh Sehun. He's... well. He's shit too but he makes me laugh and he helped me with algebra so..._

_Dad left again, but he'll run out of money soon so I guess there is that._

_I miss you like crazy but your mom refuses to even look at me now. So hopefully you're too busy having fun to reply or even check any of your accounts or post mail or whatever._

_I love you._

_Take care, Jongin._

* * *

Sehun smacks the stick out of his hand, an irritated expression on his pretty features.

"Hey! Asshole, I paid for that," Jongin whines, already fishing out the box from his pocket and lighting another one.

"Fuck off, Jongin. You know how much I hate it," he groans, brows furrowed and he's too beautiful for a mundane and Jongin just can't look away.

Sehun hates cigarettes and Sehun hates alcohol and Sehun hates drugs and Sehun doesn't let any of those ruin his future. He is a football player and he surely doesn't take any chances.

"What? You're scared I'll die?"

"There are worse things than death, idiot," Sehun shakes his head like Jongin doesn't understand anything and maybe he doesn't.

Sehun took him out for a party that night. But Jongin doesn't like anyone from their school and the feeling is mutual. And since Seulgi isn't around Sehun is the only company he's got. He doesn't complain, God of course he doesn't.

They hang out together a lot lately. And maybe that's just a game, one that Sehun plays because he got bored in his perfect house with his perfect family where he lives his perfect life and Jongin was just pretty enough to catch his attention. _Maybe_.

But now he's leaning against the brick fence and he's so, so gorgeous. And Jongin can see the lights reflect in his dark irises. And he should just look away but he's weak.

So the cigarette's long burned out when there are Sehun's fingers tangled in Jongin's hair, kissing away any doubts, lips warm.

* * *

Jongin's father does indeed come back home, just like Jongin predicted. And God, it is not a pretty sight. Neither it is pretty when Jongin appears in school in a thick hoodie and sunglasses on Monday. Oh yeah, he's a master at hiding black eyes and bruises.

But he isn't on his own anymore and when Sehun sees him in his full beaten up glory he is furious. Jongin's never seen him like this and suddenly nothing matters anymore. Who cares about football and future. Everything be damned when all Sehun wants is to kill whoever did this to his baby.

They skip classes that day, it's probably a good thing because Jongin feels like Sehun's gonna punch anyone who as much as talks to them.

Sehun's house which is more of a mansion is huge. And gorgeous and it makes Jongin question why would someone like Sehun even talk to him in the first place but when Sehun wraps him in his arms and in his white bed sheets, that question doesn't feel so important, neither does his split lip.

They spend the whole day in bed just laying and talking and kissing and it's so good.

And when Sehun rolls Jongin over, slowly kissing down his back all the way to his tailbone and then even further, worshipping Jongin's body with his tongue, the boy has never felt this loved.

* * *

12/28/2004

_Dear Seulgi,_

_America really must be the Promised Land if I still haven't heard back from you. God, it makes me wanna cry when I even think about how much I fucking miss you._

_Hope you enjoyed Christmas. Remember when we were kids and your mom made this really great gingerbread cookies and we ate so much we both ended up throwing up that night and she was so mad. I really thought she was gonna kick me out of your house._

_Speaking of which, I stopped by. Mostly to ask her about you and everything but she didn't open the door. I'm pretty sure she was at home but I guess she's just really that annoyed with me._

_My Christmas was fun. I'm barely at home lately, I'm mostly staying at Sehun's but I suspect his mom hates me so I guess I should get back to reality and move back to the basement._

_Happy New Year, best friend. I love you and miss you like crazy!!!_

_Yours, Jongin._

* * *

  
Jongin's hair has gotten longer. Too bad he's too cheap to get it cut. It doesn't matter, Sehun prefers it this way. It's nice to touch and play with and Jongin bares his throat so beautifully when he pulls on it.

They decided that for this they should stay at Jongin's. Because he knows it here the best and his father is gone again. Just more privacy for them.

"Fuck me," Jongin breathes, needy, and then he's reaching for Sehun like a flower seeking the sun. And when their mouths meet, he goes blind with emotion and want and need and something too akin to love.

And there are Sehun's slick fingers wrapping around Jongin's length and Sehun's lining with his entrance and it's so good and it's too much.

Sehun bottoms out and Jongin feels like he might be as well split in half. He presses his palm against Sehun's lower abdomen to control the speed of his movements but it doesn't matter. There is so much love in Sehun's eyes that Jongin doesn't need to worry.

The boy would promise him the Earth if he asked. Too bad Jongin can't see that. God, they're just as much stupid as they are in love. For maybe if Jongin wasn't gazing at him like he hung the moon maybe he would see everything clearly.

Sehun starts moving his hips slowly, watching out for any kind of discomfort and then when their fingers intertwine and their lips find each other they melt into one.

* * *

Jongin's father comes back home for good. With a tether around his ankle and that's not good. Not only Sehun can't go to their house anymore, he also isn't able to see Jongin for over a week. And when he does he looks like walking corpse. There are dark circles under his eyes and he looks much skinnier. Like he wasn't eating the whole time.

And then Sehun notices the cast on his forearm.

"What the fuck."

"It's nothing," Jongin mutters but it doesn't mean anything, he can't even look Sehun in the eyes.

"He did this?"

"No, I- I slipped."

Sehun can't even believe his eyes. Nor ears. "Are you even listening to yourself?"

"It's nothing, okay? Can't we just have a little fun or something? I-" Jongin looks like he really means it. Too bad, Sehun's having none of it.

"You should report him, Jongin," Sehun says. And it sounds resolute. There's no space for questions.

"Yeah? And then what? He'll go to jail and what do you think they'll do to me?" Jongin's voice shakes with every word. But his answer seems ready. He must have thought this through already.

"You're eighteen."

"God, you really can't see it, right? When he goes to jail they're gonna kick me out of the house, you fucking idiot. He's got debts and when he's locked up they will want the money. Sorry I wasn't born with a silver spoon up my ass like you but he's my father and unless I wanna drop out of this shithole of a high school I have to endure it for a couple of months," Jongin looks furious more like he hates everything. Such a shame Sehun showed up in a wrong place in a wrong time.

"He fucking broke your arm if you haven't noticed!" Sehun groans and he knows his voice is harsh but Jongin's being a lunatic.

Jongin thought about it so much over the last week. He would leave the house and maybe get a place somewhere and then, when they graduate in a couple of months he and Sehun could get an apartment together and- and nothing because Sehun has spent his entire life trying to get something he dreams of and Jongin isn't going to ruin it for him.

At the end of the day people like Sehun don't end up with people like Jongin. There must be some unwritten rule about it somewhere.

Jongin slides down the wall he was leaning against until he's seated at the floor and it suddenly feels funny. How fucking naive he was when he believed they could make it. Like a child blindly believing the tales about tooth fairies.

"It's funny to you?" Sehun asks, in disbelief.

"You have no idea."

Sehun walks out on him that day.

* * *

Sehun gets the scholarship. It's no surprise and he indeed does pack his things and leaves. For a couple of weeks, to check out the campus and to see whether he likes it or not. Jongin hears from someone at school, probably Yeri, who can't keep her mouth shut no matter what. But Jongin has trust issues with people leaving for when he was three his mom was supposed to go on a trip for a few days and she has yet to come back. And when he was seventeen his best friend left without much notice too, not like she's talking to him anymore.

* * *

_17/03/2005_

_Seulgi,_

_I can't believe you left me alone like this. After everything we have been through together. You didn't even leave a message, no number to reach you on. Nothing._

_I thought we were best friends. I would have died for you, I would have done everything for you and you just left. But I guess that's life, right?_

_Everyone leaves, right? We are born alone, we die alone? At the end of the day we are on our fucking own, huh?_

_Figures._

* * *

Seulgi's body is found at the beginning of April, when the soils aren't so frozen anymore and when everyone dares to have fun again upon the promise of summer. She's found in Jongin's backyard, 3 feet deep in the ground and it's shocking that the dickbag who did it to her cared enough to put her body into a black plastic bag before burying her right behind her best friend's house.

It's such a coincidence that they find her. An unfortune one.

Jongin thinks his father wouldn't have even called the police if he'd discovered the body on his own. But Jongin was there.

And human life suddenly feels way too fragile and it's too much to bear but Jongin goes numb.

Maybe that's a good thing because the day when they find her is just the beginning of the witch hunt on Jongin and his father. And if anyone had any doubts about Jongin being the lowest scum, they sure don't have them now.

* * *

Jongin's put on strong medication and that's probably good. He mostly sleeps or just sits in his room and looks at nothing in particular. But that's just the first week. Then someone says enough and they want him sober.

For interrogation, mostly.

But Jongin doesn't want to be sober. Jongin doesn't want to feel. Jongin doesn't want to be alive.

* * *

The first time it happens is when Sehun's still out of town. He shall fear not for his teammate, one, whose name Jongin doesn't even know, is there to take care of Jongin instead.

And it's the first head Jongin's given, outside his whatever-kind-of-relationship-with-Sehun. It doesn't matter, Jongin gets his pills and it's good again.

* * *

There is a word on the street about how Jongin lured Seulgi to his house so his father could kill her and if Jongin was sober he would throw up just thinking about it. But he's not and he doesn't care what new stories these people have to say about him now.

In school it's bad. Jongin rarely shows up when he's high. There are other days too, when he runs out of pills or whatever the boys that talk so much shit about him, so generously trade him and he has to actually take his classes.

Everybody hates him, that's for sure but Jongin's still a good fuck, a cheap one at that and when it comes to blowjobs in the moldy old restrooms nobody cares whether your father sliced Kang Seulgi's throat open or not.

* * *

Sehun comes back on May 1st. Somehow he manages to absolutely avoid any information about Seulgi and her miraculous so-called _return_. And what's even more striking, he gets to see Jongin almost sober, gripping a cigarette and a lighter, sitting on the wooden stairs in front of his house.

"You're back."

Sehun smiles, charming just like he can and if Jongin's heart wasn't torn out seven ways from Sunday he would maybe fall for him all over again, "Sure am."

"How was the trip?"

"Good. Missed you, though," he says. Like it's nothing. Just a matter of fact. And Jongin in his half-sober state wishes they met in different life where Jongin wasn't a fuck up from the beginning of his life.

"You missed a lot happening," Jongin barely whispers.

"Yeah?"

"I found Seulgi."

Sehun smiles, he has no idea. It's like time froze in his life and Jongin wants to go back so desperately. To not know, to leave his father and just stay with Sehun.

But life goes on whether they like it or not.

"Or well- I found her body. In the backyard. A month ago. But- But they say she was there much longer. Since last June, apparently," the words feel wrong, like he was trying to swallow blades.  
  
Sehun doesn't say anything. He just stares at him, like he was waiting for Jongin to say he doesn't mean it. As if.

"This whole time I was waiting for her, to text me or call me. Or even appear, you know? We all thought she's having fun in the States. While she was laying dead under my treshold."

They sit there for hours or maybe just minutes. Jongin doesn't know but he grips the cigarette long after it's just an useless filter and his fingers are burned raw.

* * *

There is a senior called Park Chanyeol, a pretty boy with a wide smile and big hands. Jongin fucks him in the back of a Porsche. It's quick and it hurts and it's good that it hurts because that's probably the only form of emotion he is still able to feel. Chanyeol doesn't do pills and that's a huge disappointment. He promises to get even, though. And all in all, Jongin gets two grams of coke and that's a damn of a deal.

* * *

Jongin smells like tobacco and sex. That describes the way he spends the majority of his days so it's not really surprising.

* * *

People start talking about Jongin fucking people for drugs. And he doesn't care, he doesn't care at all. He barely appears in school but Sehun is there and he sees and hears all of them. He doesn't talk to Jongin about it, why should he? They never promised to be exclusive. Except for Sehun would never fuck anyone else. He's had his mind too full of Jongin.

Still has. Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe that's why Jongin finds him in the middle of a fight with Byun Baekhyun. Jongin knows him pretty well. He's been giving him oxy for the past two weeks. For a _fair price_ , or maybe not, Jongin's usually so high he can barely count.

Doesn't change the fact that Sehun breaks someone's nose for him.

And Jongin hates himself some more for ruining his only sweetheart's college application.

* * *

Jongin doesn't go 'home' anymore. He can't stand the place and he can't stand the man living there and he refuses to even think about him.

So naturally, he goes wherever Sehun goes. How do they say it? Your home is where your heart is. And Jongin's heart's with Sehun, that's the only truth he knows.

Sehun's parents are in Europe, and that's good. He doubts they would let him stay, he's the killer's son, isn't he?

But with staying with Sehun comes the cruel reality of staying sober. Love makes us do crazy things, huh?

The first week is tough. Neither of them goes to school. Jongin spends most of his time throwing up or sleeping or crying or hurting. Sehun is there with him, though.

He's been on drugs for a couple of months, how do people do this after years? He surely doesn't know.

"Do you still want me?" he asks, one day, after changing into a fresh t-shirt. He's been wearing Sehun's clothes ever since he came there.

"What?"

"You heard them, haven't you?" Jongin quirks one brow.

He knows Sehun wasn't with anyone else. And he also knows that Sehun knows that he was on his back for anyone with a sniff of coke or a pill of oxy.

Sehun stays quiet for a few moments, though, his expression hardens. "What does it matter?"

Jongin leans against the edge of Sehun's bed and he just can't fight the ugly smile spreading on his mouth. God, he hates himself.

"You don't care?" he laughs and it sounds wrong and brittle and rough.

Sehun is watching him cautiously and then he steps closer, maybe to comfort him, it's not a good move.

Jongin grabs his hands, with as much force as he can but he is an addict detoxing from drugs, he's barely standing on his feet. And then he's pressing Sehun's hands against his torso, his abdomen, his chest, his neck, everywhere he can.

"They have touched me all over. There is not a single piece belonging just to you."

Except for his _heart_ , that's all Sehun's, now and in the next thousands lifetimes.

The way he says it is cold and rough, tears are pooling in his eyes. And Sehun jerks at his words, but he doesn't pull away.

"Shut up, Jongin," he whispers, it's quiet but it's firm.

"I'm used goods, can't you see?" he whimpers, slowly breaking down in front of Sehun's eyes.

"You're not alone. I'm here," Sehun says simply, like it's the solution to all his problems. And  
maybe it is.

"I'm gonna stop. And- And I'm gonna get a part-time job and I'll try to fix my attendance and I'll go to college, Sehun. I will," he sobs, hot tears streaming down his face.

It's okay. Everything's okay. Sehun is there with him, Sehun is there to wipe away his tears. To kiss them away and to hold him close.

* * *

Jongin has the mind to show up at Seulgi's place one last time. He wants to hear her mother say something to him and the story isn't really making any sense to him either.

  
Seulgi reportedly left at the beginning of June 2004. And that's true. She and Jongin spent the whole day in his house, because they just couldn't leave each other's side and then he walked her home and they didn't say goodbye. Seulgi hated saying goodbyes so she just hugged him tight and told him to see him soon.

  
And then her mother was talking to Jongin about her the entire summer, everytime he asked about Seulgi she would tell him she's fine in California.

  
Except for the fact that report said she was buried dead since June. And what a coincidence it was that someone had the mind to bury her in the well-known criminal's backyard.

* * *

 

Jongin is killed on June 24th, way too close to the anniversary of Seulgi's death. Maybe he was met with the same fate as his best friend for similar reasons, maybe they both knew way too much.

  
Unlike Seulgi, he's found in the middle of a street, abandoned on the ground. They say he hit his head quite bad when he fell down. They completely ignore all the bruises and the cuts, all the wounds indicating any form of assault, the case is closed. Stranger things have happened than an anorexic addict found dead on the street.

**Author's Note:**

> :))


End file.
